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Hello Barbara,
I am so sorry about your loss.

I have found that focusing on the "children" inside and comforting them
first works for me and helps to calm everyone else down.

For example:
One feels better if she can cry until she can cry no more.
Another is afraid and wants to shake all over with fear believing that
she might also die.
Another is usually angry and needs to yell or scream out her rage or
pace the floor.
By the time everyone is done we are exhausted, but feeling better and
those of us that are adults are better able to cope with the grief we

All of this looks fairly strange to most of the outside world, so I
usually choose a time when I know I will be alone.
I never use alcohol or drugs as this just creates more chaos. You
can't possibly help children of any age (or adults for that matter) who
are drunk or on drugs.

At first it disturbed me to find more or new Alters or realize that
there we so many more than I ever thought I had.
I now realize that each one was created to help me cope. I have come
to admire them for the strengths they brought with them.
Each one comes with a gift.

The mind is a wonderful place!

Hope this helps.



Hi Barbara,

    I'm very sorry for your loss.  When my mom died a year and a half ago, it was very difficult for everyone inside.  But I kept thinking I should be better, I should----- full in the blank.  What I have had to realize is that each one of my ways of being needed and needs to grieve.  What has helped has been letting each one journal ( switching hands works well ) and say whatever they need to say; drawing has helped; trying the best I can to answer the questions my little ones have, making sure it's age appropriate. 

    We've had to accept that how we feel at any given moment is how we feel at any given moment.  Neither good or bad; right or wrong.  It just is.

    Take care






    I lost my youngest brother to leukemia 35 years ago and I probably didn't grieve for him till the 80's when I was beginning this journey.  I didn't know anything about the psychology of grieving.  Yet I have learned over these years that loss is one of the number one triggers for many of us with DIDs.  From what I know and experienced I made me realized how many other things in my life I have lost because of traumas.  Big and little it doesn't matter because there is no degree of loss.  It is what it is. 

I'm glad you have a therapist that cares enough to call you.  I'm not sure whether you mean face to face support groups or online.  Grief support groups through your local hospital can give you a chance to share your grief yet the multiple part of you probably is not willing to share there.  There are so many online groups that it takes time to find one that feels right for you but don't give up there is so much support out here.  Support from other multiples who have/are going through the same thing. 

I'm not a religious person in the formal sense but I have a great faith in the Universe supplying what I need.  It helps me to accept the things I have no control over.  Like someone else suggested finding the good to believe in and carrying the good memories will keep you from being sad.  Illness is a fact of life and I know that the void left inside can cause much chaos.  Try to think of it as disgruntle people being up routed to change abodes.  They would be just as happy to stay in their own safe compartment but the lost of a significant person is the lose I feel of the personality that interacted with that person so the system has to move forward one place.  That's what makes sense inside of me.  I hope it helps you too.  
Lady J


Hi Barbara,
First let me offer my condolences. I can really relate to your question and hope that I can be of some help.

I have found that any major stressor can throw me into a crisis mode. I too am struggling right now. Try to
establish a routine this sometimes gets you grounded . It isn't easy at first and you really have to persevere. Exercise, eat probably know the drill.

Here's another thing you might try. Although this may sound callous please take it with the caring it is given: try to embrace your son's passing by celebrating the time you had with him. I am not sure how you would do this-- maybe make a collage of momentos and pictures, talk about fond memories with those who knew and loved him. Anything that will help you
grieve the loss. It sounds like you need to let yourself feel the feelings of grief. Once you really grieve the chaos will lessen. If you have fear regarding this it may trickle down to your parts and scare them thus causing the splitting and confusion. If you as the adult can show them acceptance of your son's passing I think they will calm down.

I know for my parts especially the young ones my fear really messes them up. There are some good
books on the grieving process that also might help you understand what the process is. It takes a long time sometimes. I hope this has helped you. If I think of anything else I will let you know.

Take Care,