Send Your Replies to Ann Marie

Dear Ann Marie,

I couldn't have close relationships until I married a violent man (I married to escape my family).  No judgement there.  After this ended I really couldn't get up close and personal  until I met another man in 1990.  After my angry alter inflicted her verbal abuse on this poor man, I broke up with him.  It was more than verbal abuse, it was rage and I didn't know where else this could lead.  At the time I didn't know I was DID.  I knew something was terribly wrong with me but I didn't know what.  We got back together time and time again.  In fact we were married 2 years ago in 2007.

What helped us was getting my then-fiance and my angry alter talking to one another.  We were living together now and something had to be done.  It calmed things down to minor verbal abuse which was the best we could do.  But the rage towards him was gone.  My husband tried to understand, but the next day he would still be angry with ME.  Our lives didn't begin until I was incorporated 5 years ago and we consider ourselves lucky to have come out whole.  Now I can't imagine myself with anyone else.  I guess I knew that in a way when we first met.

I hope you get some benefit from this and I wish you well.

Mary G.


Hi Anne Marie,

I've only been able to date a few times in my life. Once in high school, until that headed a way I didn't want to go. Another time in my 20's very briefly, with someone from church. And then again 16 years ago. I've just always been extremely uncomfortable around people in general, so dating was a challenge. Sixteen years ago, when I was dating someone, one particular personaity came out and enjoyed dating, things got intense (with all the other personalities freaking out) and I got pregnant. During that short period of time of dating that person was the only time, other than years of abuse from others, that sex ever happened. It's just too traumatic. It didn't happen before that and hasn't happened since. The person that fathered my child, was very violent, and I just left him.

I went through the final integrations of the personalities July 21, 2008. But even now, I know that an intense relationship wouldn't be possible. I'm still trying not to be scared of everyone. I think part of the problem, too, comes from a lifetime of hearing my mother say, "You'll never get married, because who would want you?" So, I just find it difficult to fathom that anyone would even want to date me. Hopefully I'll get the chance again, to date, and it goes smoother. But I'm not ready to give it a try yet. But everyone is different, and you'll know in your heart what is best for you at the time.
I did have an angry personality, too. They just used words for anger and were good at it. But otherwise, I didn't have a problem with it. My biggest problem was just the fear of people. Perhaps, your angry one could use words more? And that might provide some relief? I certainly understand why your angry part would get angry when things turn physical in a relationship. To my personalities, anything physical was seen as an attack. I've learned in my situation, everything takes time, whether I like it or not. I believe things will work out for you. Good luck.

Debbie E.


Hi Ann Marie,

Well, this part of my life is pretty much on hold while I parent these little ones. They need all of me at this time. Hopefully later I can pursue a relationship, but for the last two years....I am alone with my cat. It is lonely, but my little ones need to be well and whole before I can be in a relationship.I guess I am not much help on this matter but you are certainly not alone.



Ann Marie,

I think that you got an excellent response already. I just want to add that I had difficulty for years with this--I didn't actually hurt anyone (my special person) but I felt that I might, imminently...and that scared me a lot...because I just had so much rage inside. I would be devastated if someone I'd been with three years decided to just be friends; on the other hand, it illustrates that he takes care of himself in healthy ways. I wish you well. Just a note to tell you that you are not alone. We have been hurt so badly that rage has made a home in us. I needed to find healthy ways to work through that--it took me a long time. I was fortunate to have a patient, caring, unconditionally accepting person in my life. I remember when we posted a big piece of paper on the fridge with a list of "healthy rules" like no hitting, use words. That was years ago, but I remember how much of a struggle working through all that emotion was, learning those skills, dissociating less.  I am so much happier now. I wish the same for you. Hang in there. You can do it--and you're fortunate to have him as a friend. Maybe he can hang in there, too?



Hi Ann Marie,
We have a similar situation around relationships with men, except we don't even get to the dating part because our Little Ones are too scared of getting hurt. They equate intimacy and closeness and physical touch with being brutalized. We (the adults and older ones) keep reminding the Little Ones that they will never again be forced to do anything that hurts them in this way. The difficulty comes when the Adults who long for the intimacy, even the physical part, are attracted to someone, this alerts the Little Ones to danger and everyone clams up. Right now I'm trying very hard to open communication channels between parts and especially from the adults to the Little Ones so they can feel taken care of, since they have never truly
experienced this before. There was no one to comfort them when they were alone after bad stuff happened to them, so they don't know what's like to feel safe and be able to trust an adult, even our own adults.
I wonder what your angry parts are trying to tell the rest of you. What did she have to face that created her anger? Is there another outlet to expressing this anger in a safe environment? In therapy? I wish you all the
best in learning to know your system and the unique way you've survived your abuse.
Hope my thoughts helped. Don't give up on love. Especially for all your
humanity. You deserve it!

Sincerely, Kate et al