Please send your responses to Jim:


Hi Jim,

I can really relate to your problem. I too in the past have been able to give my all to someone else but when it came to self forget it. In my healing I was amazed to find out that I had a right to the same kindness I gave to others. And even more astounded that it needed to start with me. At first it was very hard to even accept a compliment. I simply did not know how. It took lots of practice and being mindful. I had to change my way of thinking as well as the way I responded to people when they said something nice to me.

Gradually over the years I have been able to give a little more to myself. At times it is still difficult but I am getting better at it. Just yesterday I was thrust into a situation that was really negative and I heard myself replying in a very positive way regarding some of my attributes and abilities; in the end I had to make a decision whether to continue to work in a very unhealthy environment or remove myself from it although I loved the basic work. I did what I would have told a friend had they asked me and quit.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I gave myself something I deserved. Self respect and permission to not continue in an abusive situation and that was a first. In the old days I would have stuffed all my feelings and just taken it because I didn't know then that I deserved anything more. For me the ability to give myself happiness and joy had to start with these very basic things. Now I find it easier to allow myself to feel true inner peace. I can't always but it is more frequent and for longer durations. I hope this helps.
Take Care of You! You deserve it!



Just want to let Jim and others know that for as long as I can remember in my life, in the 12 step recovery rooms I have been in and with all the people who I have been in contact on the internet, all seem to do the same thing. It's so much easier to help someone else do something we have to "pull teeth" to do our selves.

I think that it comes from not being able to help our selves in our formative years. You are not alone with this. Many of us have to force ourselves just to get out of the house but let that phone ring and someone need us and we're out of there. I suppose there is some $25.00 word/label the professionals could come up with that puts it in the right category but that's all it would be is just another label. I just learned to make list, lump errands together, lots of good stern talks with me/myself/and I so we are all on the same page. Most of all give myself permission to change my mind anywhere along the line.

The good news is that I think it makes us much more flexible as a hole then some single/narrow minded people. We are much better at plan changes at the last minute.

What is helping right now is getting others to participate in some activities that I want/need to do like walking and just getting out of this nice little safe abode I've made for myself. When it's winter out and cold I tell myself that when the weather gets warmer and then when it gets warmer it's either to hot or to many bugs out. Pretty self defeating.

Also like Lynn says after many years I'm better at it and as soon as I can get it together I'll be out doing things again. But the weather still is rainy and damp. For any of us who have lived years of struggling it seems so much harder to just get it all going. To much going on in my mind. My mind is such a busy place that I tire easily. Hope we are some help to you. If you can find some support groups on line and ask other what they do to motivate themselves. I wish you lots of luck just remember to stay safe. That's number one.

Lady J


It's certainly universal to ME! I can do things for other people, but not myself...tho I am (after about 40 yrs, literally, of working on it) Getting Better. I don't know that this is directly related to SRA, since to my knowledge I'm not a candidate...I think it's related to plain vanilla abuse...& the sense that "we" are not "allowed" to have fulfilling and happy lives. I don't believe that intellectually anymore, but it is a constant battle to make sure I don't act it out emotionally.

Best regards,